Revelations

About 3 years ago when I was in therapy (not that big of a surprize, is it?), my therapist advised me that if I write in a journal (or blog) I should concentrate on writing about the good things, so as not to surround myself with and dwell on the negative. So... here I go.

I spent the day yesterday in an absolutely miserable funk. After dinner was made I chose to do homework in my room by myself. If I hadn't left, James probably would have made me leave, it was that bad. So, I spent the next 4 or so hours reading about British North America in the 1740s-1840s, and answering questions, while I watched tv. Biggest Loser! Yay! If I had to chose one show to make me feel like a lazy fat ass, that'd be it.

Anyway, I thought that my funk during the day was a direct result of dissatisfaction with where I am, due to my sister just buying an awesome house and my jealousy related to that. I basically came to the conclusion that I don't want to spend the next 3 (or whatever) years in this town because it's so inconvenient and THE SUCK.

What I actually discovered, though, around 11:30pm, after I made the boy lunch, fed the dogs (which James forgot about) and cleaned the kitchen (which he didn't do), and bawled my eyes out under hot, steamy shower water is that I'm at my limit of being able to do things all on my own.

I have my children, my house, my dogs, my volunteer duties and my school work all to contend with. James bathes the kids once a week, and generally does the dishes/cleans the kitchen (mostly). I have had to battle with the school, with hockey, take the dog to the vet countless times and nurse him after surgery, plus feed/clothe and generally care for kids and home. After all of this, was it any surprize just how horribly behind my school work I am? I have 4 months to do about 8 months of school work. I just broke down. I'm at my limit.

I'm still feeling down today, like I'm clinging to sanity...could cry at any second. I was so pissed off last night of having to feed the dogs and clean the kitchen while James sat on his ass and played his guitar/computer and watched movies all night, while I studied for hours, that I went to bed without saying a word to him.

I need ot talk to him about it, I know I do. I'm not very good at it though.

Anyway, I have to go and start the day... Moms and Tots today and I have to get the room ready before everyone arrives.

I did pretty good about only talking about good things...it's like...80% good, right?